Not too long ago I ran across this intriguing article . You can read it for yourself here. Maybe it’s my background in therapy and couples counseling that made this article really grab my attention. The basic premise of this article is that the person you marry can determine whether or not you’re successful in life. I’ve seen this happen firsthand in my work with couples. You have the ambitious partner and then the one who wants their partner to spend more time with them. While they deserve to have the attention of their partner, they totally miss the concept of how to make their needs known without nagging or appearing needy. Meanwhile the ambitious partner doesn’t understand why this is an issue. They are working hard for the benefit of the family and in many cases also happen to be the partner who is either the primary breadwinner or the one who makes substantially more than their partner. There is a breakdown in communication because of the priorities of both partners and the lack of understanding on both sides. The article discusses a study done that showed that people who have conscientious partners tend to be happier, make more money, and are more satisfied in their careers. Makes sense to me. The key to all this is getting conscientious partner and more importantly, BEING a conscientious partner. This is something that a lot of people fail to think about when deciding to have a future with someone. There’s not usually a conversation between partners regarding expectations of the relationship and what each person prefers in terms of support. Two can definitely better than one but not when they aren’t on the same page.
Tag Archives: life
My $100 mistake
I’ll be the first to admit that my spending habits are not always as disciplined the way that they should be. This story happened about two years ago so it’s not super recent but it was a very valuable learning experience. Anyway, one of the things that I’ve come to enjoy are comedy shows because I like humor. Anyway, I was at a comedy show and I got an SOS message from a somewhat close acquaintance asking me to call them as soon as possible. Now, because it wasn’t from a member of my immediate family or close circle I decided to wait until after the show to call the person back. So I did. Thinking that it was some big emergency I called as soon the show was over somewhat concerned. The emergency was the fact that this person wanted to borrow some money from me. Now, when that happens the answer is usually a straight “no.” I hate mixing money with friends and acquaintances and usually will just give it away and not worry about it instead of wrecking a relationship. I don’t think that it’s worth the hassle of lending it out. Now, it wasn’t an obscene amount of money—about a hundred and a half (ish). It was for a good cause and they promised to pay me back the next week. However intuition, common sense, and intelligence were screaming “don’t do it!!!” But, to be honest I was at a point in my life where I was still searching for reasons to have faith in humanity. I guess it was a personal thing. I wanted to trust that this person had good intentions despite the fact that I had known them for a few short months. So, I said yes. Against my better judgment and trying to have faith in humanity and taking a risk. Second mistake in this fiasco was that I let this person use my debit card for the transaction that they so desperately needed. Well, not my actual card but I gave them all the appropriate numbers deciding to trust that they were trustworthy. So the next day I awoke to a text message that informed me that this person had “accidentally” charged $100 more than I had authorized on my card. Being that it was a debit card, the money was already gone from my account. It was then that I found out that the money was actually for this person’s friend who (ironically) I actually knew personally. It was then that my feelings toward the situation gravitated towards significant irritation and annoyance. Mostly at the fact that there was a more noticeable lack of funds in my bank account due to my own stupidity and not making a smart decision. Needless to say, I was only reimbursed the original amount which left me $100 poorer and it was a bad situation all around. Lesson learned. I guess the icing on the cake was a few unauthorized charges that appeared a few months later on my account totaling about $200 that required the freezing of my account and the issuing of a difference card with the accompanying stress. Faith in humanity substantially shaken. They say an ounce of experience is more than a pint of advice and I certainly learned a lesson.
Staying Loyal
I have come to have a new appreciation for the quality of loyalty. I’ve noticed that many people don’t possess that quality. There’s definitely a variety of reasons for this and I think that human selfishness is usually to blame. Nonetheless, I believe in loyalty. I think that all healthy relationships have loyalty present because it builds trust. I think about all the business relationships that continue to stay intact because of loyalty between the two parties. A lot of people claim loyalty but it quickly disintegrates when something better comes along. Not too long ago I had someone tell me that they were loyal. Experience has taught me that many people who claim to be a certain way are in fact the opposite. It’s a phenomenon that’s been around for centuries. Needless to say, I was surprised when this person’s allegiance was called into question not once but twice and they actually kept their word and were loyal. Ok, shocked was more like it. It was definitely refreshing and also a reminder that loyal people still exist. Just maybe in very small amounts. Sometimes it’s just nice to have someone on your side.
Boredom and Restlessness
I’ve always been the kind of person who got bored easily. This is particularly evidenced by the fact that I decided to pursue a graduate level education in three different fields. I’m always thinking about the next move, the next step, the next trip. I love variety mixed with consistency. This seems like a contradiction but it really isn’t. I love the idea of settling down and having a long career but it needs to be on my terms. I don’t know how long I could manage my time being allocated by someone else. It just seems like a form of cruel and unusual punishment. I’ve gotten the chance to meet a few people and I mean a few who truly live their lives on their own terms. These are people who are content about where they are in their lives. While they are striving to fulfill the rest of their goals, they have also cultivated the habit of enjoying the journey and not taking themselves too seriously. As someone who had a grand total of about 4 moments of contentment last year, I’m challenged to find value in the little things of life. Being easily bored just means that I have to get a lot more creative when I have to accomplish a long and monotonous task. In a similar way, I think it’s equally important to be constantly advancing in some way that helps you develop the right tools to be of help to others when they need it.
Stupid Girls (the warning in a song)
So I’ve posted about a few Jazmine Sullivan songs and I must say that this entire album (Reality Show) seems to get better every time I listen to it. Jazmine has a knack for making a song for every situation and this song is no different. In it, she admonishes women to be careful of men who try to play them and who see them as meaningless playthings. Jazmine alludes to the fact that she has had this experience and wants others to be warned an not to be “stupid girls.”Great song. Just a tad bit bitter though.
A good day
Today was a good day. While I don’t usually characterize my days as good or bad, I must say that today was the exception to the rule. I guess part of the reason I had a good day was the fact that I had a pretty good weekend. Traveled a few thousand miles back to the South and had a random adventure in the urban section of Atlanta with a friend and some others. Witnessed an altercation that could have quickly turned into a fight and did some advocating and mediation that actually had some positive results. But I digress. Today I got a chance to spend some time with a friend I hadn’t seen in a while and I really enjoyed it. As I grow older I have found that good conversation is a luxury that is often disregarded. While there are people I talk to fairly regularly and keep in touch with through phone calls or texts, there’s no substitute for a genuine human face to face interaction with someone I enjoy talking to. It’s a great feeling to have an intelligent conversation without constantly backtracking and feeling like you may be offending the other person and that they don’t understand where you’re coming from. It was also great seeing a familiar face because that rarely happens unless I travel a significant distance. I personally enjoy good conversations because they can be so enlightening and helpful. Those kind of conversations are even better when you have rapport with the person and there are mutual interests and a history of shared experiences. Those are the conversations that keep you awake, alert, and engaged despite just finishing your 12 hour shift and being beyond exhausted. Yup, it was a good day.
Rubber and the Road (and Scandal)
So life has once again brought me to a place where I have to make a very hard decision. It’s not critically life changing and doesn’t involve a career change. However, it’s interesting because the decision isn’t the most convenient and it doesn’t benefit me in any way. I’ve learned that sometimes the right thing feels like the wrong thing to do. Especially when it’s best for everyone else except you. While I’m not advocating being an emotional martyr I am saying that character doesn’t come out of convenience. It’s the tough times (and decisions) that show our true colors. In my case the decision has been made. The only thing to figure out at this point is a way to communicate clearly and effectively while getting the point across. I’ve learned that it’s one thing to make a decision but another thing totally to follow through. I guess a great example of this is one of the recent Scandal episodes where the new vice president explains that there is a difference between a law that sounds good and a law that is actually enforceable. If there’s no action to follow the decision then it’s pointless. So my goal is to take this as a learning experience and to make sure that my actions follow my decision because that’s where the rubber hits the road. It’s not easy but it’s very necessary and the right thing to do. Will I have that warm fuzzy feeling of knowing that I did the right thing and decided to be unselfish in my actions? Probably not. But it’s better in the long run and 20 years from now I’ll be happy with myself. Keeping the long term in mind.
The Leftie Life
I’ve been left handed for as long as I can remember. It’s always been weird bumping elbows with people at the table and using scissors that are excruciatingly uncomfortable. The combination of being homeschooled AND left handed lent itself to the assumption many people made that I was smart. The jury is still out on that one but I must admit that being left handed requires you to think a lot more. You have to write really weirdly on spiral notebooks and judge distances when you are trying to navigate activities designed for righties. Let’s not forget how uncomfortable it is to sit at a right handed desk and actually take legible notes because you don’t have anywhere to put your elbows. The funny thing is that while I use utensils and write with my left hand, I do pretty much everything else with my right hand because it just comes more naturally. I don’t know that many left handed people and I remember reading stories as a kid of parents who forced their children to be right handed when they saw that they favored their other hand. I ran into this interesting article that talk about characteristics of left handed people and it was rather eye opening for me. I won’t comment on all of the assertions of the article but I will say that as a leftie who knows a few other lefties, I do think that we indeed do get angrier in certain stressful situations but I don’t know if that should be blamed on being left handed.
Floating Away
I’m sitting sipping coffee before I report for a 12 hour shift that will most likely end up being a 14 hour one and I think, “why not do a blog post?” So here goes. This week I got a chance to experience something I’ve never done before. A salt water soak. So apparently my trip to the ocean last week was not an adequate amount of salt water for me. I’m always up for a good adventure and I saw this great deal listed on Groupon and decided to try it. Apparently there are lots of great health effects derived by soaking in salt and its supposed to promote wellness and a good immune system or something like that. I didnt really care but wanted to try it. First off there was a whole studio devoted entirely to soaking in saltwater. Apparently these soaks range from 90 minutes to overnight soaks. So I go into the studio and sign my life away on a waiver promising that I wont sue if something bad happens. Then to get me relaxed the staff directs me to an inversion table where I lie upside down and listen to ocean waves with low pulsing beats. It was at this point I realized that I might be incapable of relaxing all the way. Lying upside down with headphones in a room with dark lighting probably isn’t the best for someone with slight trust issues. So after an eternity (20 minutes) I the music stops and I go into the float tank. I should preface this by saying that I’m not super claustrophobic but if I was I would have a HUGE issue with the tank. You open up the door and climb in and close the door behind you. From this point on you’re supposed to float in 10 inches of warm water that’s more salty than the Dead Sea where you WILL NOT sink. Now, I havent swam in about 5 years but I figured that it shouldnt be hard to float and it wasn’t. However, the tank is about the size of an oversized coffin and you are enclosed in absolute darkness for about 60 minutes. The only think you can hear is your heart pounding in your ears. Really relaxing right? I don’t like staring into darkness so I just did what came naturally and slept for the whole time just floating in the saltwater coffin. I don’t know if it was relaxing but it was a new experience I just might try again. Self care right?
Good Parenting
Recently I’ve had the chance to interact with some good parents in a professional setting. This is in contrast to the hundreds of bad ones that I interact with. I’ve never been a parent but I know it’s a hard job. I loathe waking up to take my dog out in the middle of the night–let alone getting up several times a night to tend a sick child or feed a hungry baby. It’s a job with rewards, setbacks, challenges, and achievements. I’ve heard many people say that the reason they don’t have kids is because they’re too selfish and I can understand where they are coming from. Selfish parents are the worst. I’ve met them. People more concerned about their money, appearance or property than their child’s welfare, happiness and safety. That’s why I’m always so excited to meet people who are good parents and whose kids actually like them. One of the biggest perks of having kids who like you is that the will fight tooth and nail for you when you’re too old to do it for yourself. There’s nothing like addressing a complaint from an irate adult child about their parent’s care. It’s an experience I don’t relish but I don’t get upset about it because they are genuinely concerned about their parent and the fear comes out in the emotion of anger. I say all that to say that having a kid is like an investment in your future if you get a good kid and you raise them in a way that doesn’t mess them up forever. Easier said than done in my opinion–especially with the amount of selfish parents out here.
Alisha's Angle 