Something vs. Someone

There’s a huge difference between wanting something and someone. I think that a lot of times it’s easy to group both of these things in the same category. It’s our human nature to want what we don’t currently have. It’s easy, convenient, and can be a reflection of who we truly are inside. However, wanting an inanimate or a tangible object–even to accomplish a certain goal is very different from wanting a person. When you want something, you can work towards it. You can take the necessary steps needed to acquire what you want. Not the same with a person. When you’re dealing with a person, you are dealing not only with them but their background, values, and even their environment. Despite all your best efforts, you can’t make anyone “belong” to you. You can’t scheme around that. If you don’t meet their definition of attractiveness/beauty, you’re pretty much attempting to row upstream without a paddle. It’s easier to plan to get something and to execute the plan than to execute the same plan with a person. There’s too many variables out of your control when you’re dealing with another person. The odds are rarely ever in your favor.

The thirst is real

The thirst is real

I think we all know someone who always complains about being single. Every single person they meet is immediately “the one.” This happens multiple times in multiple years. While I get that we all on some level want a connection with someone, I feel that desperation is never attractive. When someone tries too hard, it a huge turn off. The same applies to helplessness. Acting like you can’t do anything on your own and you need approval from someone else is the perfect recipe to cramping your style. It’s easy to lose yourself when you change for other people. And even after you’ve made all these changes, chances are that everyone still won’t like you. Why go through that? Being desperate or “thirsty” should never be an option because it puts you in a really bad position where you almost have to take what you are given. Have some standards. There’s already enough people in the world without them.

Stop wasting time

All of us at some point in time have either experienced personally or heard stories of unrequited love. There are dozens of movies where the main characters never actually get together and we are all somewhat let down by this turn in the script. It’s easy to feel that if you love someone they’ll love you back. However, reality often paints a totally different picture. I remember hearing someone tell me that if two people meet and they click, the relationship is automatically dysfunctional because all humans are naturally attracted to dysfunction. I tend to disagree to some extent with that perspective because I think that healthy, well-adjusted, and emotionally intelligent people can have really successful relationships without some of the usual dysfunction. No one wants to be in love alone. It sucks. However, one characteristic of emotional maturity in my opinion is that you can recognize when something is a lost cause. Not because you’re admitting failure, but because you’re accepting the reality of the situation. When you’ve done all you can to show interest in a person and let them know that there is an interest, there’s no need to beat yourself up if they don’t return that interest in you. We can’t make people like us or even make them love us. Continuing to push your love and affection on someone who doesn’t want it is a COMPLETE waste of time. If they wanted you or were in a place emotionally where they could accept and return affection, they would. But to do the same thing over and over again, hoping that the other individual will change and miraculously like you back is pretty much the definition of insanity. Time is money and it is a waste of emotional energy to continue emotionally givingImage while hoping for a different result than you’ve got.

Anger-ology

As I’ve mentioned before, one thing I’m working on in myself is being more aware of my emotions. This weekend found me rather angry over situations that had occurred in the past week. As a therapist, I’ve often noticed that feelings of anger are often products of other emotions. Anger is a emotion  used sometimes when we have a hard time verbalizing our primary emotions. I’ve noticed with my couples that feelings of hurt often disguise themselves as anger. It’s easy to blame the other person or to say or do something out of anger instead of saying that you have been hurt. But anger can also be motivation to get out of your current situation. I’m working on dealing with anger in a way that is both healthy and productive and I’ve found that the gym can be an excellent place for that. Next time you feel some angry, take the time to dig deeper and identify two underlying emotions that might be causing it. You’ll raise your self-awareness and learn more about your thought processes. 

V for Victory

So I made it though the day without any random rages or unexpected tears. I kept my composure and held it together. Cut down on my social media usage so I didn’t bombard myself with things that are in no way related to my present reality. I can honestly say that I’ve had some pretty emotionally (self-inflicted) v-day wounds but I think today was only indicative of a much less painful scratch. I’m in the process of intentionally identifying what I’m feeling because I want my clients to do the same. However, I noticed that today (more like yesterday), I intentionally did not think about how I was feeling. It is definitely a lot easier to talk about something than to actually do it.  I must admit that reading the Facebook statuses of single women provided some humor to my day. It even went as extreme as someone posting that they bought themselves a their own diamond celibacy ring. That’s intense. I don’t think I’ll ever get to that point but its nice to know that somebody’s already there. The day has passed. I set a personal record on being ok and not totally freaking out. That’s big.