Tag Archives: character

by

Easier vs. Better

As hard as it is to hear, I’m at a place in my life where I want to hear the truth. While I know it’s not always comfortable and that I can end up being a bit hurt at times, it still beats alternative of being lied to. Lies can just be more convenient and appear to be the best option. However, in the long run, it’s generally a bad idea to build your life or make decisions based on untruths. Like most people, I strongly dislike being mislead and I’d rather know something than not knowing something.

So enter relationships. The romantic sort. They can be messy, complicated and very emotionally taxing. We’ve all seen couples where we were secretly hoping that they would recognize their lack of compatibility and just part ways. It was toxic from day one and just continued to go downhill from the moment they decided to form a “trauma bond” and be in romantic relationship. It’s a relationship that makes us all happy that we aren’t in their shoes and having to make the same decisions.

Photo by RDNE Stock project on Pexels.com

And then there are the rare exceptions to normality in a positive direction that leave us all dumbfounded (I think that’s a word). They seem to be in sync on everything and against all odds appear to be consistently happy together for months and years at a time. Their relationship appears to be a good partnership and both people are blissfully in love, in like, and in life together. A rarity indeed. It’s a reminder to us all that it’s a beautiful thing to have a trusted life companion. The reality flipside is that for many of us, our romantic relationships fall into the “normal” box. We have our general frustrations and bones to pick. But we’ve decided that we’re going to try to make it work because it makes sense for now and overall, the outcome has been positive.

Every relationship has a culture and this can be different and varied depending on the people involved in said relationship. There’s good and bad times, ups and downs and in-between moments. Life with someone takes compromise, communication, trust and honesty. We can veer off course but eventually through time and understanding and applying relationship skills like the ones that are outlined in this workbook, we find our way back to our partner. It’s not easy to think about someone else all the time because your decisions affect them. Conversations can lead to conflicts and misunderstandings that require humility and effort to resolve. We don’t always get our way. However, for many, having a relationship doesn’t make their life easier, but it makes it better. We like the fact that there’s someone to come home to and there’s an emergency contact outside of friends and family that actually cares. We have a person that will listen and support in a way that only someone who knows us well can do.

It’s an interesting concept to consider the whole idea of better vs. easier. I think many times we have to make decisions that require us to sacrifice one for the other. What’s better generally isn’t easier and what’s easier generally isn’t better. Of course there are exceptions but those don’t necessarily apply to relationships and interactions with others. We make decisions based on what we hope the outcome will be and wish for the best. Maybe that’s the way it’s supposed to be.

by

The List

Like most unmarried young adults in my age bracket, I have a list of the things that I want in a significant other. Over the years this list has evolved from a paragraph to four pages single spaced in Times New Roman font. The list has been influenced by many things including past experiences, the observation of relationships and marriages, and the couples I’ve seen in therapy. It’s updated each year and undergoes a makeover with new details and ideas of what would be best. The thing about growing older is that it’s easier to become more set in your ways. As a result of this, the list of things you don’t want to put up with becomes longer and longer. There’s less room for flexibility because you feel like you’re on a countdown and you don’t want to have to try it multiple times to get it right. There’s less patience and a more purposeful intent. So the list sits there. Collecting dust on the hard drive of my computer. The funny thing is that while I rarely take the time to refer back to it, I still know and remember what it contains. The challenge with making such a list is that you have to leave room for reality. No one is going to be perfect and that’s something that I’ve always taken into consideration. Rules that were absolutes have not become preferences instead of deal breakers. Of course there’s the basics; love, respect, won’t beat me black and blue, and can be assertive. But then there are other things that would just make life easier in the long run. Everyone doesn’t come from a traditional two parent home and while that might make life a bit easier, it’s not something that I expect. The great thing about the list is that it lets you make decisions about people pretty easily. You can cut out a lot of unnecessary drama and save yourself heartbreak and time because you cut them off at the beginning because they didn’t meet criteria. One double edged sword in my case is that I’ve met my list. An individual who embodies all four pages single spaced of expectations, criteria, and preferences. Which, by the way, is not an easy feat. While I would never go as far to say that this person is the embodiment of perfection, I will say that they have some core character traits that align perfectly with the list. It’s been one thing to meet the list and another thing to interact with the list and have conversations. Does The List know that they are the list? No. And the jury is still out on whether or not they’ll ever get that information. However, maybe that’s the nature of the list. The fear of messing up a perfect fantasy with an imperfect reality that results in the admiration from a distance without action.

by

Power Perspective

I’ve always been a person who has had respect for people in power. I also think that it’s possible to have power without being in a position of power. In our world, many times power comes with money. The more money someone has, the more their opinion or perspective is respected. Because of this power, they can also influence others to a great extent. Power can also come from the set of initials behind or before your name. Initials like “M.D.” “J.D.” or “PhD” are generally more respected than “B.A.” “B.S.” or “M.A.” A few weeks ago I received a professional license that I’ve worked toward for the past 6 years. Along with credibility, one of the things that this license allows me to do is to sign a piece of paper that can hospitalize a person involuntarily for a certain period of time for evaluation. While there are certain parameters and guidelines that dictate when this option is appropriate, I get the opportunity to use my clinical judgment to see if those guidelines are met and I sign a piece of paper that can turn someone’s life upside down. My decision affects a lot of people including parents whose child is being taken out of their custody. Family members, friends and other people involved are all entities who can be impacted by the decision that I made. The thing about power is that it can be used as a means for good or for evil. It’s not a bad thing in itself, but it can be misused and mishandled. This can be especially true when people who are insecure are given an extremely large amount of power. All their decisions are made through the lens of their own self-identified deficiencies and the results are usually disastrous. I think that this is one of the reasons why it’s important to know who you are because power will only magnify your true character and your flaws  or strengths will be showcased in your decisions.

by

Silent observers

 

I think that there are two types of observers in the world. The silent observers and the doer observers. It doesn’t take rocket science to figure out which one I am. Silent observers hate being the center of attention while doer are more about actions and don’t care about being the center of attention as long as they are doing something. Being a silent observer, I like observing from a distance but I’m not chomping at the bit to act unless I’m fairly competent in coming to a solution. I’ve never seen the logic in going to help a situation that I know nothing about. Doer observers are more spontaneous because they see and then act. This can happen regardless of whether or not they are qualified or competent. They want to help so they jump in. It’s always interesting seeing this particular character trait in action. It lends itself to the dramatic as opposed to the silent observer. Both of these personalities are observers but they function differently and they see things in a different light. Paying attention to detail and being observant manifests in different ways to different people. And that’s a good thing.